


Lost Christmas

by babs



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Christmas, Holiday, M/M, season 6, season 7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 14:02:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8983177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babs/pseuds/babs
Summary: Daniel is ascended. Jack is lost.





	

"Get out of my house," Jack said. He took in Carter's wide-eyed glance, Teal'c's stiff pose, and stepped closer to Jonas. "Get out."

Jonas took a step back, his smile turning to a look of confusion. "Colonel?"

"Carter."

"Yes, sir?"

"You mind telling your friend that I mean what I say?" 

"O'Neill, you are not..."

"No. No I'm not." Jack turned his back on all of them. He'd tried. Oh how he'd tried. He had agreed to host Christmas dinner at his house, even though he didn't want it. He even told himself welcoming Jonas would have been what Daniel would have wanted. It was a lie—it was all a fucking lie. Except the Daniel part. Because Daniel would have dealt with Jack's death had it been Jack who sacrificed his life. Because Daniel was a better man that Jack would ever be and now it was too late to let Daniel know what he'd meant to him. Another failure on the part of Jack O'Neill and someone he loved. He carefully placed his beer bottle on the counter, nudged it back a bit from the edge—couldn't have it falling after all and then turned to face SG1.

"You are not and never will be Daniel Jackson," Jack said. Daniel would have been proud—he didn't even raise his voice. "You may be a member of SG1 but you will not replace him."

"I haven't tried to..." Jonas began.

"He sacrificed *his* life for your planet, without hesitation, without a thought that it meant the end of his own. So you want to know the meaning of Christmas? Yeah. That was it." Jack stepped away, dropped into his recliner, and wondered where the anger had come from. 

He heard them behind him, heard Teal'c walk to the closet to retrieve coats and jackets, and Carter whispering to Jonas although he didn't give a damn what she said. He just wanted them out—not just Jonas, but Carter and Teal'c too. There was noise behind him as the others got ready to leave and still he refused to turn around.

A whoosh of cold air came in as the door opened but then there was a large hand resting on his shoulder with a reassuring squeeze and Carter was there, kneeling by the chair and pressing a mug filled with coffee into his hand.

"We miss him too, sir," she said and he didn't dare to raise his eyes to look at her, but his hand shook when he tried to bring the coffee to his lips.

And then the house was quiet. And Daniel still wasn't there. Jack tilted his head back and scowled at the ceiling. 

"I hate you, Daniel," he said.

* * * *

He answered the quiet knock at the door. 

"Mr Neil?" the young man asked.

"John," Jack told him and opened the door a bit more. He motioned for the escort to come into his hotel room. He stepped back as the man entered.

"Michael." The escort held out his hand.

Jack shook it and studied the escort. Christmas night and he'd come to this—a Denver hotel, a paid escort—who was he kidding—a prostitute, and still he felt a hole in his heart. Blue eyes, light brown hair—just like he requested because in the broken part of him, he thought, he believed he could pretend. Now that the man was here, he knew he couldn't. His stomach twisted. 

"I'm sorry," Jack said.

Michael raised his eyebrows. "Sorry?"

"I...shit...I can't..."

Michael smiled and it was nothing like Daniel's smile. "You've already paid. I'm here." He shrugged his shoulders. "But hey, the customer is always right."

Jack gestured for him to sit on the small sofa in the room. "This customer is an idiot."

Michael leaned forward. "You don't look like an idiot. So..."

Jack sat beside him. "I thought this what I want—no---needed."

"And I'm guessing it's not," Michael said. "It's up to you." He raised his eyebrows, waited, the smile he wore turning to seriousness. "So what's his name? He dump you?"

Jack shook his head, throat tight, eyes burning. "He died. He fucking died." Because ascension was classified and well, Daniel wasn't here and whether ascended or dead, all that mattered was Daniel wasn't fucking here and Jack hadn't ever had the courage to say "I love you."

Michael made a small hum of comfort and placed a hand on Jack's thigh. "So tell me about him."

Jack looked at him, into intense blue eyes that sparkled but didn't have Daniel's light in them. "His name was Daniel and he was my best friend."

* * * *

Jack woke up on the bathroom floor. His mouth tasted like something had died in it and his head pounded. He remembered talking to Michael, and then, after Michael had left and he was alone, drinking more than was wise from the mini-bar. He groaned as he pulled himself to his feet and stared at his reflection in the mirror. He looked as if he'd aged twenty years—which he felt. His knees ached, his back ached, and his heart hurt in a way it hadn't since he'd been twenty-two and realized he didn't have the guts to live his life in the open. He'd been given the chance—Daniel brought into his life for some sort of cosmic reason—and he'd blown it. He was still a coward. He turned on the shower, cold and stepped in and let the water blast him. If a few tears mixed with the spray, he didn't care. 

He checked out late, got in his truck, and headed back towards Colorado Springs. He ate dinner at a greasy spoon diner and didn't get any strange looks so he figured he'd at least managed to make himself look presentable once more. He'd come to the realization that life wasn't fair, although he'd known that since a summer day when his gun went off in a young boy's hands. He tried to imagine what Daniel would do had it been Jack who had made the sacrifice. Would Daniel have retreated into himself? Would Daniel just not care about going on? Jack already knew the answer—he always had. Daniel would go on because that was what people did. Daniel would go on because he not only loved life, but even more, he loved the people in his life, even those gone, and to give up would a dishonor to their memory. The truth came to Jack with such clarity, he gave an audible gasp and felt a force like a small electrical shock travel through his body. He looked out into the dark Colorado night on the nearly empty highway and saw five shooting stars streak across the sky.

"Okay," he said and didn't feel a bit foolish. "Okay, I get it. I get it, Danny." He gripped the steering wheel a bit tighter. "And I still hate you for leaving."

* * * *

Laughter came from his living room, and Jack stepped away from the coffee maker to see Daniel with his head bowed and shoulders shaking. Carter had her arm around him, her own head thrown back in laughter while Teal'c sat by them stoic. Jack grinned, shook his head, went back to pouring coffee into mugs, and spilled it when his own hand started shaking. He grabbed a towel and wiped up the mess.

"Jack?"

Damn it, he spilled even more. He looked at the half-full mugs and then went to the sink to refill the pot.

"You okay?" Daniel asked as he came closer. He peered at the wet towel and wiped up the coffee Jack had missed. "You've been out here for a long time."

"Just making coffee," Jack said. Daniel was in his way and Jack moved a few steps back. 

"Or a mess," Daniel said and gave a little smile.

"Smart-aleck," Jack told him and began the process of filling the coffee maker. "The things I do for you..." he shook his head.

"Yeah," Daniel said, his voice trailing off. He stepped in front of Jack again. "You sure you're okay? You seem...um...off."

"I promise you, I am perfectly fine," Jack told him. "It's Christmas after all."

"If you're sure." Daniel sounded hesitant. "You need any help?" 

"No." Jack flapped the towel at him. "Go. Keep Carter and Teal'c company."

"Sir." Carter breezed into the kitchen, Teal'c in tow. "We promised Janet we'd.." She gestured to Teal'c. "I lost track of time."

"We must say our farewells for the evening, O'Neill," Teal'c said. "Major Carter and I have dinner plans with Doctor Fraiser and Cassandra Fraiser."

He watched as Carter gave Daniel a hard hug and a kiss on his cheek that made the other man blush to his ears. Even Teal'c got into the act. 

"I missed you," Carter whispered but it was loud enough for Jack to hear.

"This has indeed been a most joyous Christmas season," Teal'c said and clasped Daniel's shoulder.

"Let me get your jackets," Daniel said when the silence grew too long.

Jack looked at Carter who watched Daniel leave. "He might be a bit overwhelmed."

"It's been six months," Carter said.

"I believe Daniel Jackson is still searching for the person he used to be," Teal'c said. 

"Let's just be thankful he's back," Jack said and then raised his voice a bit when he realized Daniel just might have heard the last bit of the conversation, "even if he can be a pain in the ass at times."

There were more hugs and shoulder clasps as Daniel handed out the jackets and Carter and Teal'c took their leave and then finally the house was silent again but for the sound of the coffee dripping into the carafe.

"You want to just stick your head under the filter?" Jack asked.

"Huh?" Daniel stepped back from the counter, right into Jack. "You know they didn't have coffee on Vis Uban."

"Yeah, I kinda figured they didn't," Jack said and turned away.

"Why do you do that?" Daniel asked.

"Do what?" Jack grabbed a mug and filled it—gave it to Daniel.

Wonder of wonders, Daniel put the mug back on the counter and twirled his finger. "Shutter."

"Shutter," Jack repeated.

"You...okay, I remember we were friends—good friends but since I've been back—you...shutter. You act as though I...I don't know if I've remembered everything, but did I do something to you? Hurt you?"

Jack shook his head. "You died." When Daniel opened his mouth to say something, he held up a finger. "Ascended to be technical but you weren't here." He picked the mug up again, handed it back to Daniel. "So same thing."

Daniel took the mug and smiled the shy smile that after all these years still made Jack's heart go all melty. Not that Daniel knew it made his heart go melty, Jack reminded himself. "I..."

"No.Go. Sit. Cookies on the way." Jack shooed him out of the kitchen but not before handing him his own mug.

He braced his hands on the counter and forced himself to take a few deep breaths. You got what you wanted. Hell, you didn't even know you wanted it. You certainly didn't expect it. His mind raced with possibility and promise and fear. Was he really being given a second chance? He took one more breath and put Christmas cookies that Cassie and Doc had gifted him on a plate and carried them in.

Daniel was stretched out on the sofa, begrudingly moving his feet when Jack patted them so he could sit. "Dibs on the peanut butter." 

"You are not getting all the peanut butter cookies," Jack said and made a show of taking two of them. "And don't pout. It doesn't work."

"I am not pouting," Daniel said and grabbed the remaining peanut butter cookies, stuffed one in his mouth.

Jack grabbed one of the DVDs on the coffee table. "White Christmas," he told Daniel as he put the DVD in the player.

Daniel nodded, his attention on the screen. "I'm still not giving you the rest of the peanut butter cookies."

Jack shrugged and sat back, ready to enjoy the movie. Daniel's company was enough.

Bing was singing to Rosemary reminding her to count her blessings instead of sheep when Jack glanced at Daniel-who was sound asleep, his head at an awkward angle. Jack shifted, reached out to pull Daniel's head down to the arm of the sofa. Daniel grumbled but didn't wake. Jack patted his leg.

"I love you, Daniel," he whispered. Easier to say when someone was asleep after all. 

* * * *

He was awakened by the awareness that someone was staring at him. 

"Did you mean it?" Daniel demanded.

"Mean what?" Jack asked. He had to stop falling asleep on sofas and chairs. Older bodies needed beds. On the TV, lodge doors opened to falling snow and the audience oohed and ahhed and then joined in singing.

Daniel blinked at him. "You told me you loved me."

Jack looked away. 

"I know I heard you say it. You said, I love you, Daniel."

"I may have," Jack admitted.

Daniel took a deep breath and moved closer to Jack. "So I ask again. Did you mean it?"

Jack couldn't speak. His brain was forming words, but he couldn't get his mouth to open. But he could open his arms and he found he was able to nod.

"Good," Daniel said. "Because when I say I love you, Jack, I mean it too."

Jack suddenly found he could speak again. "I missed you so damn much. And I didn't know. I didn't know how much you meant until suddenly you weren't here any more."

Daniel touched his face, strong, callused fingers brushing over Jack's cheek. "I'm here now." He shifted. "I'm here," he said again, his lips ghosting over Jack's.

Jack pulled him close, returned the kiss, gentle, tentative, a beginning. "Best Christmas present ever." Every word of it true.


End file.
